hulk smash

Earlier this afternoon, I was having lunch outside of a girlswithhairyarmpits cafe, being lectured about making something of myself (maybe next year) when the wine-country monotony was disrupted by a barrage of curse words and car horns. I turned around expecting to see the type of egregious behavior that would warrant such an outburst...some dude driving on the sidewalk, or perhaps some herpes-having couple sexing each other in the back of a taxi-cab. But no. The only commotion I saw was a 200 year old woman in her Chrysler LeBaron trying to back out of a parking spot, all the while being berated by an angry Minivan driver that was pulling up behind her.

Now, I'm not really the type of person that jumps to conclusions (riiiiiiiight). Maybe Minivandude was just having an off day. It could have been that he was arguing with his wife/daughter (its all the same) over whether to have bear claws or chicken nuggets for breakfast. Or maybe he was pissed because those magic beans that he traded for his cow didn't grow into a beanstalk like they were supposed to. Hell, the simple fact that he was driving a Minivan could have set him off...seriously, I used to drive one of those things, and look at how screwed up I am. Regardless, his seemingly unwarranted verbal attack on the woman filled me with this strange Adam Sandler anger that I haven't felt since that one time (excuses on the ready and all that...).

At that moment, the only desires I had were to pull the man out of his primer colored vehicle and beat him to a pulp in front of his lady friend. I began praying that the good Lord above would see fit to fill me with some sort of Old Testament strength so that I could rip the douchebag's balls off and feed them to the mangy dog that was yapping through the van's side window. At the very least, I figured that God might choose this moment to make an example of Captain Minivan, using the beating that he was about to receive to teach the masses that people should never sleep with their relatives (no matter how attractive they may be). After all, incest is the number one cause of all things unnatural...like road rage and flipper babies and such.

In fact, there was no doubt in my mind that God would help me out, especially after all that stuff he had people write down about killing gays and stoning girls on their periods. However, Jesus must have been off playing dodgeball or saving people from eternal damnation because after my prayer was finished, I looked down and found myself just as scrawny and afraid as before...and apparently just as hungry because I immediately turned back around and finished the rest of my sandwich.

ps...I really hope that woman didn't wind up in a ditch somewhere.