Riding around in the cabrini green van playing ipod sing-along is officially the new hotness. It thus replaces the old hotness...which was pretty much just Ben and I talking about which of our ex-girlfriends we are still hung up on.
the lord works in mysterious ways...the devil makes everything pretty damn obvious
In order to ensure that my ever increasing lunacy (treating heartache with heartbreak, the bug situation, etc.) doesn't reach critical mass, I have decided to auction off all of the drama in my life. Now, I know that some of you are thinking that without all of my turmoil I will be just another pseudo-chubby dude with a receding hairline...and honestly, you may be right. But, I really (REALLY) need a break from myself. And although your taking on my extra drama (and paying me for it) might seem pretty nonsensical, let me assure you...it makes all the sense in the world.
First off, you would be helping your most favoritest (all hail the grammar king) boy in the world become even more...ummm, well-rounded? You see, despite the fact that I am constantly fixated upon all things pathetic and sad, I do have some sort of sense (no matter how dormant) that there are more productive things to do with my time. Yes, even I will admit that sitting around all day trying to decide which myspace profile song will make me seem the most depressed is getting a little tired.
Secondly, you are boring. Face it, you are. Wouldn't you rather experience the entire spectrum of excitement that my pathetic drama has to offer? Waking up at 3am to the slurred voice of some random girl that only loves you when she's drunk; replaying angry answering machine messages over and over again just to double check whether the insult being lobbed at you was "bitch" or "dick"; dirty-footed drunks with huge Gandalf walking sticks showing up in the middle of West Wing (rip); having the same hurtful conversation day after day after day, not because you like it, but because you are afraid of not having any conversation at all; etc (ad nauseam). Seriously...come join my world. We are a sad but gentle people.
Third, I am broke. My Italian roommate is ditching me for the summer, leaving me with the impossible task of (omFg) paying bills and being responsible. And since most of my spare cash goes toward buying copies of Mike Tyson's Punch-Out, I am going to need to set aside a few extra dollars so that Comcast doesn't shut off my interweb access...otherwise, I am going to have to go to the public library to get my daily dose of local porn stars.
ps...in lieu of money, I will accept Hot Pockets,vodka crans, and cassette copies of Barbies For Beatniks songs.
