faux news alert
24 hour news channels exhaust me. They are nothing more than a constant barrage of "the dude that invented the microwave is dead" or "cereal gives you ball cancer" or "50,000 people perish in a country you never knew existed". (yawn).
And the interweb is even worse. All I ever wanted was to be the kid who knew about stuff before you did. I used to scour the Earth (in 56k real time) searching out new bands and celebrity mugshots and whatever. But somehow, a bunch of robots learned how to blog about things 2 days before they even happen. Sunk.
Therefore, since I am already resigned to a life of second-hand news, I have decided to take full advantage of my late-comer status. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...
THINGS THAT ALREADY PRETTY MUCH HAPPENED
-Princess Diana died in a car crash after having her picture taken by a bunch of dudes that thought she was pretty. Last week, in an interview from beyond the grave, she said, "Well, at least I didn't live long enough to get all wrinkly and icky."
-Some guy with a huge goiter made a movie about a 7 foot ape that pulls the arms off of Space Nazis. The flick made a trillion dollars and gave everybody lockjaw. Oh yeah, and there was also something in there about aliens that had to live with horrible diseases, such as fish-face and pussy lips.
-At some point during the summer of '93, a bunch of dudes threatened to throw me into a trash can. Had they done it, I would have probably summoned Falcor the Luck Dragon to whup their asses.
-William Howard Taft was a hideously fat man...much like Star Jones, but for white people. (Insert cliched joke about the previous statement and give yourself a high-five).
-Contrary to popular belief, Back To The Future is not a fictional movie from the 80's. It's actually a documentary about two closet homosexuals who travel through time trying to have sex with their relatives. Furthermore, Marty McFly is currently trapped in some sort of time-rift that makes him shake like a crazy person.
See people? The past is progress!
And the interweb is even worse. All I ever wanted was to be the kid who knew about stuff before you did. I used to scour the Earth (in 56k real time) searching out new bands and celebrity mugshots and whatever. But somehow, a bunch of robots learned how to blog about things 2 days before they even happen. Sunk.
Therefore, since I am already resigned to a life of second-hand news, I have decided to take full advantage of my late-comer status. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...
THINGS THAT ALREADY PRETTY MUCH HAPPENED
-Princess Diana died in a car crash after having her picture taken by a bunch of dudes that thought she was pretty. Last week, in an interview from beyond the grave, she said, "Well, at least I didn't live long enough to get all wrinkly and icky."
-Some guy with a huge goiter made a movie about a 7 foot ape that pulls the arms off of Space Nazis. The flick made a trillion dollars and gave everybody lockjaw. Oh yeah, and there was also something in there about aliens that had to live with horrible diseases, such as fish-face and pussy lips.
-At some point during the summer of '93, a bunch of dudes threatened to throw me into a trash can. Had they done it, I would have probably summoned Falcor the Luck Dragon to whup their asses.
-William Howard Taft was a hideously fat man...much like Star Jones, but for white people. (Insert cliched joke about the previous statement and give yourself a high-five).
-Contrary to popular belief, Back To The Future is not a fictional movie from the 80's. It's actually a documentary about two closet homosexuals who travel through time trying to have sex with their relatives. Furthermore, Marty McFly is currently trapped in some sort of time-rift that makes him shake like a crazy person.
See people? The past is progress!
posted by joshua kerney | 1:38 AM
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2 comments
